Tantalize by Cynthia Leitich Smith

Summary
"Quincie Morris has never felt more alone. Her parents are dead, and her hybrid-werewolf first love is threatening to embark on a rite of passage that will separate them forever. Then, as she and her uncle are about to unveil their hot vampire-themed restaurant, a brutal murder leaves them scrambling for a chef. Can Quincie transform their new hire into a culinary Dark Lord before opening night? Can he wow the crowd in his fake fangs, cheap cape, and red contact lenses — or is there more to this earnest face than meets the eye? As human and preternatural forces clash, a deadly love triangle forms, and the line between predator and prey begins to blur. Who’s playing whom? And how long can Quincie play along before she loses everything? "-GoodReads

No one recommended this book to me, I found it at the library. I read on the back it took place in Austin and was about a vampire themed restaurant. I though, "eh, how bad can it be?". Oh. I had no idea. There's a damned good reason no recommended this book. First off, it's about a teenage girl named Quincie Morris, yup, like the one from Dracula, but a 17 year old girl. Who, at 17 is left in charge of her families restaurant following the death of her parents, even though she has an older late 20-something uncle who helps her and who SHOULD be in charge. But really, that's no reason to complain. And this book has many.

Quincie hires this new chef for her restaurant and spends most of the book sitting around with this really boring guy talking about boring stuff and drinking wine. LOTS of wine. Now I'm not a prude, I'm not going to hate a book because there's some underage drinking in it, BUT this was excessive. It was very much highlighted every time it happened. There was an eventual explanation, but it was just stupid.

Throughout the book Quincie talks about her BFF Kieren, the back of the book calls him her "first love", that's not true. Quincie is in love with him, he treats her like one of the guys, until the very end where everything is SUDDENLY different. Which brings me to the end...

The end tumbles out quickly and messily, like ripping a bag of potato chips down the middle, though I'd rather clean that up then read another sentence of this book. The "villain" is revealed in the last 20 pages, then the whole "big bad situation" we've been reading about for 300 pages is defused and the villain voluntarily leaves town in 2 sentences and the book is over. The "romance" resolved in a sentence. Seriously. It is literally the worst ending I have ever read. This book makes "Dead Witch Walking" look complex (remember the rodent fighting ring? More interesting than this). The only thing that prevents this book from getting an F rating is the fact that I could finish it, and it wasn't offensive (unless extreme ridiculousness is considered an offense...).

Bottom Line: Started out less the average and devolved into terrible and ridiculous. Don't waste your time. Grade: D-.

Hounded by Kevin Hearne

As the only member of the Supernatural Book Club born with a penis, I have been nominated to write the review for this month's book: Hounded. Now, you're probably asking yourself, "Self, what does being born with a penis have to do with writing a review for Hounded?" The answer is simple; Hounded is an urban fantasy book written by a man for men, so it only makes sense that the man of the Club writes the review.

Yes, Hounded is an urban fantasy book for men; an oxymoron by today's literary standards. You won't find any blubbering vaginas named Edward, nor any dimwitted snobs named Bella in this book, there's also a marked lack of brooding, moaning, groaning, whining, pouting, pondering and bitching. I'll wait right here until you're done jumping up and down and cheering with unbridled joy...

Hounded tells the story of a two thousand year old Celtic Druid named Atticus O’Sullivan, the usurper of your run-of-the-mill tall, dark, teary-eyed and handsome supernatural male protagonist. Atticus, the red-headed, pasty-white, heavily-tattooed, bicycle-riding, bookstore-owning, tea-brewing, dog-whispering, earth-communing, mythical sword-wielding, giant-slaying, witch-slapping, goddess-sexing, bad-ass, “Iron Druid” breaks a fleet of urban fantasy norms by simply being a MAN. Atticus doesn’t sit around pondering which shade of eye-liner to wear on his next date; no, he spends his time decapitating ageless Celtic gods on suburban Arizona streets for sport and honor.

I really liked Atticus for is straightforward, no nonsense approach to stressful and dangerous situations. When Atticus is faced with a problem, he briskly assesses his options, formulates a plan, and executes it; with 2,100 years of life-experience at his disposal, there’s no need for pontification. However, several members of the Club felt that there wasn’t enough internal dialogue and self-reflection to really get to know Atticus, especially given the books first person narrative. They felt that Atticus’s quick action and decisiveness detracted from his character, and created a void between him and the reader.

Whether or not we individually connected with Atticus, there was one thing the Club all agree on, Hounded was action packed. From the first otherworldly skirmish on page 4, to the culminating confrontation 250 pages later, Hearne lays out a fast-paced tale that charges forward and never lets up. What propels the plot forward is the onslaught of Aenghus Og’s minions (giants and faeries and witches…oh my!) which Atticus must dispatch with the help of his trusty Irish wolfhound Oberon. The pacing and sense of urgency is further aided by the fact that Hearne’s prose is tight, clean, and easily consumable; he doesn’t burden the reader with a heavy-handed writing style.

To keep things light, Hearne throws in a few laughs as well. The catalyst for most of the humor in Hounded is found Atticus’s allies. From his team of lawyers which is comprised of a vampire and a pack of werewolves, to his crass neighbor the widow MacDonagh, the supporting cast of characters does a keen job of lightening the mood even in the face of murder and mayhem.

All in all I enjoyed Hounded and will likely read the follow-ups Hexed and Hammered. I felt that Hounded created a strong foundation for a compelling urban fantasy series based on a lead character that separates himself from the crowd by being a supernatural man’s man. Although the world-building was admittedly thin in the debut novel, I think Hearne has the pieces in place to take the Iron Druid Chronicles to the next level in books two and three. It’s rare to find a supernatural book that keeps my interest like Hounded did, and for that reason and all those detailed above, I give Hounded a solid B+.

The Vampire Diaries: The Return, Shadow Souls

Description (from the back of the book):

Elena Gilbert's love, the vampire Stefan Salvatore, has been captured and imprisoned by demonic spirits who are wreaking havoc in Fell's Church. While her friends Bonnie and Meredith explore the evil that has taken over their town, Elena goes in search of Stefan.

In order to find him, she entrusts her life to Stefan's brother, Damon Salvatore, the handsome but deadly vampire who wants Elena, body and soul. Along with her childhood friend Matt, they set out for the slums of the Dark Dimension, where Stefan is being held captive. It is rumored to be a world where vampires and demons roam free, but humans must live enslaved to their supernatural masters. . . .

Elena will stop at nothing to free Stefan. Yet with each passing day the tension between Elena and Damon grows, and she is faced with a terrible decision: Which brother does she really want?

This review contains spoilers!!

Hmmm I wonder who Elena will chose? Each book promises this "love triangle", but really it's Stefan, always Stefan, there's never really any doubt. To be fair, this book comes the closest to Elena actually questioning her feelings for Damon, though it's only because Stefan is physically absent. As soon as Stefan is back, it's ALL about him. Which is fine, but don't lie to us about this complicated decision, from the first chapter of the first book, Elena's mind is made up.

The best:
-Stefan is gone, so there's far less super gooey "lovely love" baby talk between Elena and Stefan, there's still some, as Elena visits him in dreams and they attempt to nauseate us with their undying love.
-Damon has a lasting chance at redemption. Damon is better than in the last book, some of the sense of humor is back.
-Elena and Damon build a much stronger bond. It was interesting to see how their relationship would go, well "interesting" is probably too strong a word.
-I liked that Damon got turned into a human at the last second of the last book and Stefan gets super pissed (Damon does so much stuff and this mistake is what Stefan wants to kill him over?). Though the way it happens is stupid (plus, I had forgotten after watching too much of the television show how much Damon does NOT want to be human, glad they changed that in the show, makes it way more interesting).

The worst:
-The reiterating the SAME things over and over is really grating. "Elena is sweet, and kind, and pure and the most perfect being in existence". "Bonnie is fragile and delicate, emotional and weak". Yep, we got that the first 500 times, we do not need paragraph after paragraph of discussion about it.

-There's an exorbitant amount of time spent talking about clothes and jewelry, and what Elena is wearing, right down to her custom perfumes. This wouldn't be so bad (wait, yes it would be) if the characters hadn't JUST been talking about the urgency to save Stefan. Somehow everything they have to "get" to save him involves ANOTHER set of dresses and another 5 or 6 pages of descriptions of frivolous crap (seriously, there are descriptions of how the lighting at the various events will be, so they can accurately decide what colors to wear...). Even when "rushing" to visit Stefan, they must first waste a bunch of time making custom stuff for Elena (and others) to wear.

-The entire book is about a road trip to save Stefan from prison, and when they get to the actual rescue, it's over in half a page. The mere presence of a set of Elena's "wings" cause the plant-woman chasing them to crash into them and die (couldn't have whipped those babies out 10 pages ago when this creature started her pursuit?).

Bottom line: Better than Nightfall. About the same as the first four.

The Vampire Diaries: The Return: Nightfall

I have no excuse. After these reviews I thought I was done with these books. I think it was watching the television show that made me venture back into the preposterous town of Fell's Church.
Elena is back. She's no longer dead, she's no longer a vampire, but she's not quite a human either. What is she? Adult-baby-mythical-fairy would be an accurate description, with magical powers. She's unable to speak and only recognizes people by kissing them, Stefan, Bonnie, Meredith, Caroline, Matt, they all get some kissin' from Elena (prairie dogs do this, according to the author, yeah prairie dogs are always making out with each other, the sluts). She also floats in the air, at one point Stefan tethers her floating body to the back of his car as he drives through the forest. She then wakes up one day all better and able to speak, but of course she gets to keep the magic powers.
Smith also found it necessary to retell us repeatedly that Elena is beautiful with "golden hair and eyes as blue as "lapis lazuli". Mentioning once that she is an attractive blonde with blue eyes would have sufficed. She also tells us repeatedly how angelic and kind and wonderful Elena is, and how EVERYONE loves her. Guess what? We read the first four books, Elena's a self obsessed spoiled brat. We didn't forget. Oh, but now her blood makes her irresistible to all vampires (fans of Charlaine Harris find this sounds rather familiar). Yeah, we needed another reason all men love her, vampire or otherwise.
And on to Stefan and Damon. Stefan isn't really around much and when he is he's simply calling Elena his "lovely love" over and over and flying around in the trees with her (since when can he fly? Oh, that's right since L.J Smith saw "Twilight"). Yes he's more bland and boring then before, but it's not that noticeable. Now Damon however is another story. Remember how I said he turned into a suddenly helpful robot in the last book? That was better then whatever the hell he was here. All snarky comments and sense of humor gone.

Spoilers ahead:

To keep this review from getting way too long I'll just list of some of the more bizarre occurrences:

-Attacks by ambulatory trees, with poisonous sap, and some with exposed male genitalia.
-Elena sprouting different sets of wing or different occasions ("redemption" wings, "purity" wings, etc.)
-A set of Japanese incestuous twins. About as believable as a poorly written cartoon a 12 year old wrote.
-Teen girls, while possessed, strip off all their clothes and throw themselves at ANY male they see, even their fathers and brothers. One 15 year old girl superglues a homemade stripper outfit onto herself.
-Also while possessed (by a Japanese fox demon, I might add), Damon tries to get Matt and Elena to make a sex tape.
-Caroline becomes pregnant and accused Matt of raping her (it's not even his kid).


I can say that if the goal was to read nonsense just to see how bad it'll get, then this book was worth the drive to the library. I'm glad I didn't pay money for it, which was twice as long as the other four at around 600 pages.

As terrible as the first four books were, they were never boring, and weren't completely nonsensical (stupid, maybe). Towards the end, the book made so little sense that I was rereading parts to make sure I wasn't losing my mind. Nope, I've still got mine, can't say the same for L.J. Smith.

Bottom line: Read my previous reviews of the first four books, then think to yourself "do i like nonsense that's so ridiculous it literally sucks the intelligence right out of your brain? If the answer is "yes", this is the book for you.

And keep an eye out for my review of TVD The Return: Shadow Souls and we'll see just how far Smith will go in her obvious decent into madness.

*On a side note, doesn't the chick on the cover look like "Quinn" from "Glee"?

Black Magic Woman by Justin Gustainis

This is the second "official" book the real "Supernatural Book Club" has read.
Plot Summery (from the back of the book):"Occult investigator Quincey Morris and his partner, white witch Libby Chastain, are called in to help free a desperate family from a deadly curse that appears to date back to the Salem Witch Trials. To release the family from danger they must find the root of the curse, a black witch with a terrible grudge that holds the family in her power.

The pursuit takes them to the mysterious underworlds of Boston, San Francisco, New Orleans, and New York, stalking a prey that is determined to stay hidden. After surviving a series of terrifying attempts on their lives, the two find themselves drawn inexorably towards Salem itself—the very heart of darkness."

When I read the title of this book I had my doubts, several of us did. "Black Magic Woman"? That's a pretty poor title for the book, and that picture on the front? After reading the book we still couldn't figure out who that was supposed to be. The title and picture did not accurately portray what the book was about, BUT thankfully we were able to get past that. The one thing that gave me hope that the book might not be so bad was the endorsement on the front by Jim Butcher, and reading int eh acknowledgments section that Gustainis aspires to write books like Butcher's. Having read many of Butcher's books I'd say that this book is in a definitely similar style to Butcher's "The Dresden Files". And Mr. Gustainis is well on his way to his goal.

The general consensus of the book club is that "Black Magic Woman" was more enjoyable then the last book we read ("Undead and Unwed"), but really that isn't saying much. It offered mystery, intrigue, supernatural beings, all the things we love. There are also several different plot lines seen from the perspectives of several different characters in different settings. All the different plot lines are connected and tie together at the end. I think this element was what we all seemed to like best about the book, it was more complex in that regard then some of the books we've read before. The one thing missing was romance, this book is really a supernatural detective novel. Not having romance wasn't a bad thing, but if that's what you're looking for, you might be disappointed.

Bottom line: An entertaining read, plenty of action and adventure. I would recommend it for fans of Jim Butcher and The Dresden Files.