Tuesday, 15 February 2011

The Vampire Diaries: The Return: Nightfall

I have no excuse. After these reviews I thought I was done with these books. I think it was watching the television show that made me venture back into the preposterous town of Fell's Church.
Elena is back. She's no longer dead, she's no longer a vampire, but she's not quite a human either. What is she? Adult-baby-mythical-fairy would be an accurate description, with magical powers. She's unable to speak and only recognizes people by kissing them, Stefan, Bonnie, Meredith, Caroline, Matt, they all get some kissin' from Elena (prairie dogs do this, according to the author, yeah prairie dogs are always making out with each other, the sluts). She also floats in the air, at one point Stefan tethers her floating body to the back of his car as he drives through the forest. She then wakes up one day all better and able to speak, but of course she gets to keep the magic powers.
Smith also found it necessary to retell us repeatedly that Elena is beautiful with "golden hair and eyes as blue as "lapis lazuli". Mentioning once that she is an attractive blonde with blue eyes would have sufficed. She also tells us repeatedly how angelic and kind and wonderful Elena is, and how EVERYONE loves her. Guess what? We read the first four books, Elena's a self obsessed spoiled brat. We didn't forget. Oh, but now her blood makes her irresistible to all vampires (fans of Charlaine Harris find this sounds rather familiar). Yeah, we needed another reason all men love her, vampire or otherwise.
And on to Stefan and Damon. Stefan isn't really around much and when he is he's simply calling Elena his "lovely love" over and over and flying around in the trees with her (since when can he fly? Oh, that's right since L.J Smith saw "Twilight"). Yes he's more bland and boring then before, but it's not that noticeable. Now Damon however is another story. Remember how I said he turned into a suddenly helpful robot in the last book? That was better then whatever the hell he was here. All snarky comments and sense of humor gone.

Spoilers ahead:

To keep this review from getting way too long I'll just list of some of the more bizarre occurrences:

-Attacks by ambulatory trees, with poisonous sap, and some with exposed male genitalia.
-Elena sprouting different sets of wing or different occasions ("redemption" wings, "purity" wings, etc.)
-A set of Japanese incestuous twins. About as believable as a poorly written cartoon a 12 year old wrote.
-Teen girls, while possessed, strip off all their clothes and throw themselves at ANY male they see, even their fathers and brothers. One 15 year old girl superglues a homemade stripper outfit onto herself.
-Also while possessed (by a Japanese fox demon, I might add), Damon tries to get Matt and Elena to make a sex tape.
-Caroline becomes pregnant and accused Matt of raping her (it's not even his kid).

I can say that if the goal was to read nonsense just to see how bad it'll get, then this book was worth the drive to the library. I'm glad I didn't pay money for it, which was twice as long as the other four at around 600 pages.

As terrible as the first four books were, they were never boring, and weren't completely nonsensical (stupid, maybe). Towards the end, the book made so little sense that I was rereading parts to make sure I wasn't losing my mind. Nope, I've still got mine, can't say the same for L.J. Smith.

Bottom line: Read my previous reviews of the first four books, then think to yourself "do i like nonsense that's so ridiculous it literally sucks the intelligence right out of your brain? If the answer is "yes", this is the book for you.

And keep an eye out for my review of TVD The Return: Shadow Souls and we'll see just how far Smith will go in her obvious decent into madness.

*On a side note, doesn't the chick on the cover look like "Quinn" from "Glee"?


Nolebucgrl said...

I am legitimately in tears over this review. For real? Like...for real? I really hope the TV Show people stay the heck away from everything that woman is doing. It's amazing how the show is a billion times better than the books. Lovely love? HAHAHAH

Hey Lady! said...

It's the most shocking book I've ever read. I would not have thought anything could be so nonsensical. I have read fanfiction by 14 year olds that was better (at least that was shorter).

Let's all pray the show continues to not follow the books. BUT if something crazy happens on the show, I'll be able to tell you if it came from the books. (beware of trees with penises and homemade stripper outfits...).

Dana said...

Ok after reading this review I might have to take a step back and say that maybe HarperCollins wasn't completely crazy in wanting to change authors. Nothing you've written sounds like it would be good for the characters or the series.

I guess I should just try to be thankful that Smith never wrote that last Nightworld book huh?

Hey Lady! said...

It's almost as if L.J Smith read a bunch of other vampire books and forgot her own original stories. I know it's been 20 years, but come on!

I'm hoping for something better with a new author, honestly.